Four weeks and one day. 29 days. 696 hours. 41,760 minutes. Time. Units of time that are desperately trying to heal this wound. Time. Does it heal ALL wounds? How does the passing of time make it easier to accept never holding your child in the safety of your momma chest? The echo of giggles, singing and delight squeals? The empty morning routine? Never touching her soft skin, or sinking my face into those delicious curls...inhaling her smell? Time does not make these things easier. Time, that one constant in this ocean of grief, only fades those memories. Over time, instead of the taste of her sweetness being so fresh on my palate, it will be but a memory. A remembrance of a child who, for a time defined me. A memory.
So, now I look to savor. To recall the tiny details. To absorb all that was my sweet baby.
The moment that we learned that Freh was gone, that scene, you know, the stark white trauma center and the long-faced crisis team, waiting for the frantic, breath-holding parents....that moment, "I'm so sorry. Your daughter didn't make it." ....was the instant that my 'joy tank'...all of the joy moments of my life, related to Freh or not, rushed out of my soul and into a vast abyss. Empty. Hollow. Gone.
The precise intersection of life and death. We are left to live and she is dead. Or is she now living and we are left dead?
For many days I was dead. Numb. Hollow. But now, I am seeing. Seeing so many things that mean life is still in me. I am still alive. I have laughed. I have cried. I have recognized joy in my life. I have wept at the ways God is right here. In His people. In His word. In His peace. Wept. As much for His faithfulness in this death makeover as the loss of my sweet baby.
So does that mean that Freh is not living. If I am still alive, where does that leave her? I thought I had a good grip on my belief in life after death. Until my daughter died. No. My loving God would not do this. How could we work SO HARD. Literally go to the ends of the earth to bring her home only to have this awful, sick tragedy happen? How, God? I screamed and cried out to God. If the only answer you give me in all of this pain, let it be this? Why?
You hear the quote "May God give you a peace that surpasses all understanding", well, not until you are in such a dark place that makes no sense at all can you really receive that kind of peace. And I did. I was out on my early morning run and God spoke to me. Not in words, but in this blanket of peace. This is what He said, "Was it you who moved the mountains to find Freh's birth mother? Was it you who placed, at every turn, the witnesses you needed for evidence in her abandonment case? Was it you who found Ephrim, your investigator who loves Me and trusts Me and bent with you, on dusty knee to praise me during the investigation? Was it you who matched Frehiwot with your family? Was it you who knew all the while that she would only live to be 4 days shy of 2 1/2? Was it you who gave her a personality so fitting to your family's? Was it you who bonded you together so beautifully? Was it you who made her so smart, giving you conversations so rich?" inhale. exhale. feet pounding asphalt.
"No. Amy. It was ME. your GOD who knew from before Frehiwot was born, that she would be on earth but for a flash. It was ME who heard your prayer for a daughter in 2010 and saw her growing in her mother's womb. It was ME who brought you two together. It was ME who led you to Ethiopia to find the truth of her story. It was ME who moved those mountains and got her home to you. It was ME who wove together the beautiful tapestry of your love for her and her love for you."
These words are in my head, playing in a loop, every day. I trusted God with her adoption. I trusted God with her attachment. I trusted God with her life. I assumed it was a long life. It wasn't. But look at what he did! He gave her the BEST life. He changed us and put us on a Kingdom course that we would have never known. He drew me closest to Him than I had ever been. We don't say to each other "understand God", we say "Trust God." And I did. And I continue. I may never fully understand the depths and scope of God's plan in this. But I completely trust Him.
So, now I look to savor. To recall the tiny details. To absorb all that was my sweet baby.
The moment that we learned that Freh was gone, that scene, you know, the stark white trauma center and the long-faced crisis team, waiting for the frantic, breath-holding parents....that moment, "I'm so sorry. Your daughter didn't make it." ....was the instant that my 'joy tank'...all of the joy moments of my life, related to Freh or not, rushed out of my soul and into a vast abyss. Empty. Hollow. Gone.
The precise intersection of life and death. We are left to live and she is dead. Or is she now living and we are left dead?
For many days I was dead. Numb. Hollow. But now, I am seeing. Seeing so many things that mean life is still in me. I am still alive. I have laughed. I have cried. I have recognized joy in my life. I have wept at the ways God is right here. In His people. In His word. In His peace. Wept. As much for His faithfulness in this death makeover as the loss of my sweet baby.
So does that mean that Freh is not living. If I am still alive, where does that leave her? I thought I had a good grip on my belief in life after death. Until my daughter died. No. My loving God would not do this. How could we work SO HARD. Literally go to the ends of the earth to bring her home only to have this awful, sick tragedy happen? How, God? I screamed and cried out to God. If the only answer you give me in all of this pain, let it be this? Why?
You hear the quote "May God give you a peace that surpasses all understanding", well, not until you are in such a dark place that makes no sense at all can you really receive that kind of peace. And I did. I was out on my early morning run and God spoke to me. Not in words, but in this blanket of peace. This is what He said, "Was it you who moved the mountains to find Freh's birth mother? Was it you who placed, at every turn, the witnesses you needed for evidence in her abandonment case? Was it you who found Ephrim, your investigator who loves Me and trusts Me and bent with you, on dusty knee to praise me during the investigation? Was it you who matched Frehiwot with your family? Was it you who knew all the while that she would only live to be 4 days shy of 2 1/2? Was it you who gave her a personality so fitting to your family's? Was it you who bonded you together so beautifully? Was it you who made her so smart, giving you conversations so rich?" inhale. exhale. feet pounding asphalt.
"No. Amy. It was ME. your GOD who knew from before Frehiwot was born, that she would be on earth but for a flash. It was ME who heard your prayer for a daughter in 2010 and saw her growing in her mother's womb. It was ME who brought you two together. It was ME who led you to Ethiopia to find the truth of her story. It was ME who moved those mountains and got her home to you. It was ME who wove together the beautiful tapestry of your love for her and her love for you."
These words are in my head, playing in a loop, every day. I trusted God with her adoption. I trusted God with her attachment. I trusted God with her life. I assumed it was a long life. It wasn't. But look at what he did! He gave her the BEST life. He changed us and put us on a Kingdom course that we would have never known. He drew me closest to Him than I had ever been. We don't say to each other "understand God", we say "Trust God." And I did. And I continue. I may never fully understand the depths and scope of God's plan in this. But I completely trust Him.
So beautiful. So gut wrenching. I love how Jesus is meeting you in your deepest pain. How HE is moving still. He loves you endlessly. Even in this you will triumph because HE is in you. Love you friend.
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm blown away by how God tenderly and clearly revealed Himself to you - how he spoke quietly to your heart and (hopefully) reminded you of how much HE loves Freh. He loves her SO much, He gave YOU to her.
ReplyDeleteThank you for pouring your heart into words to fill this page and allowing us a glimpse into your world and God meeting you here in this HARD place. So thankful that our God is constant, unchanging, and so very powerful and tender. Love to you...
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing picture of God you paint with your words. It is evident the Holy Spirit is speaking through you as He did through Mrs. Chapmans book Choosing To See.
ReplyDeleteAmy, you have truly reached that place of peace and understanding. It does not take the pain away but makes it at least bearable. If we sit quietly and listen, He will always answer us. Maybe not in a way we. expect, but in a quiet, beautiful, unexplainable way. We have only to be open to the answer. I will continue to pray for you and your beautiful family. I pray your new journey will be filled with much joy and peace.
ReplyDeleteThough I do not know you personally, as a fellow grieving mother,I can understand your pain. It is truly amazing how much our little ones can teach us in such a short time, and how they are a conduit for God's love. We lost our infant son Paul 3 years ago on May 28, 2010, and were blessed by the birth of his brother Benjamin May 22, 2011. The passage of time and the joys of parenthood do help to soften the rawness of grief, but I don't think it ever goes away entirely. Frehiwot was a precious little girl, and you are an exceptionally devoted and loving mother to work so hard to bring her into your family. The joy of her presence in your family will continue to be a blessing for all of you forever.
ReplyDeleteSo beautifully written, Amy. And so wonderful to hear that God is giving you peace. Thank you for ministering to all of us in your pain. You are often in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteToday as I read this my Ethiopian daughter is 4 days from being 2 1/2. Thank you for giving me a renewed vision to savor each second with her. I've been praying for your family since the moment I heard about your sweet Frehiwet going to heaven. You're family has been heavy on my heart and I will continue praying for you all. Thank you for your braveness and putting your thoughts out to read. God is using your story to bless so many people and I'm praying He'll continue to bless your family and provide the peace that passes all understanding.
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