Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Family

When we received Miheret's referral in January, we learned that she has a 12, almost 13 year old brother. We knew that he was living with family, but that was all we knew. He was on my heart, in my thoughts and in my dreams daily. So much so that we had our paperwork changed to allow us to adopt 2 children up to age 15, just in case.... I prayed a LOT about him and something in my intuition was telling me that we should definitely go visit him when we got to Ethiopia.
So we did. After we went to court on May 8, we traveled a short drive to visit Miheret's brother ("S" for now) and her uncle. It was a rainy, VERY muddy day. We arrived and met the family one by one. The uncle was very happy to meet us. He showed us pictures of Miheret and her brother when they were toddlers. We talked of their birth parents and what led to her being orphaned. It was a lovely visit. Then we met "S", Miheret's only brother. I cried. He cried. It was a magical moment that I will remember forever. It was evident during that meeting that "S" needs us. He is our daughter's brother and has no mother or father. This is us, telling you that we are adopting TWO children. Miheret AND her brother will be joining our family, forever.
His process is behind in the paperwork circus, as I refer to it. So, he will be a few months behind in coming to America. Please pray that we can go to court and give our consent to the judge while we are in country bringing Miheret home. It will save us a trip to Ethiopia and thousands of dollars!
We are so excited how this has worked out. We were able to come home from Ethiopia and tell Frehiwot that she was getting her "seester Miheret" AND a "brudder", too. I know that she is watching all of this unfold with the same wonder and excitement that she brought to us every day. We look forward to sharing her memory with these two precious children who have such a special place in our family already!


Miheret's expression when she learned that she won't be separated from her brother!

Thank you for sharing in our joy! Stay tuned for FUNDRAISERS!!! (ahem, sheets and facebook-a-thon!)

Monday, June 17, 2013

Joy

Four weeks and one day. 29 days. 696 hours. 41,760 minutes. Time. Units of time that are desperately trying to heal this wound. Time. Does it heal ALL wounds? How does the passing of time make it easier to accept never holding your child in the safety of your momma chest? The echo of  giggles, singing and delight squeals? The empty morning routine? Never touching her soft skin, or sinking my face into those delicious curls...inhaling her smell? Time does not make these things easier. Time, that one constant in this ocean of grief, only fades those memories. Over time, instead of the taste of her sweetness being so fresh on my palate, it will be but a memory. A remembrance of a child who, for a time defined me. A memory. 
So, now I look to savor. To recall the tiny details. To absorb all that was my sweet baby. 

The moment that we learned that Freh was gone, that scene, you know, the stark white trauma center and the long-faced crisis team, waiting for the frantic, breath-holding parents....that moment, "I'm so sorry. Your daughter didn't make it." ....was the instant that my 'joy tank'...all of the joy moments of my life, related to Freh or not, rushed out of my soul and into a vast abyss. Empty. Hollow. Gone.
The precise intersection of life and death. We are left to live and she is dead. Or is she now living and we are left dead? 

For many days I was dead. Numb. Hollow. But now, I am seeing. Seeing so many things that mean life is still in me. I am still alive. I have laughed. I have cried. I have recognized joy in my life. I have wept at the ways God is right here. In His people. In His word. In His peace. Wept. As much for His faithfulness in this death makeover as the loss of my sweet baby. 

So does that mean that Freh is not living. If I am still alive, where does that leave her? I thought I had a good grip on my belief in life after death. Until my daughter died. No. My loving God would not do this. How could we work SO HARD. Literally go to the ends of the earth to bring her home only to have this awful, sick tragedy happen? How, God? I screamed and cried out to God. If the only answer you give me in all of this pain, let it be this? Why?

You hear the quote "May God give you a peace that surpasses all understanding", well, not until you are in such a dark place that makes no sense at all can you really receive that kind of peace. And I did. I was out on my early morning run and God spoke to me. Not in words, but in this blanket of peace. This is what He said, "Was it you who moved the mountains to find Freh's birth mother? Was it you who placed, at every turn, the witnesses you needed for evidence in her abandonment case? Was it  you who found Ephrim, your investigator who loves Me and trusts Me and bent with you, on dusty knee to praise me during the investigation? Was it you who matched Frehiwot with your family? Was it you who knew all the while that she would only live to be 4 days shy of 2 1/2? Was it you who gave her a personality so fitting to your family's? Was it you who bonded you together so beautifully? Was it you who made her so smart, giving you conversations so rich?" inhale. exhale. feet pounding asphalt. 
"No. Amy. It was ME. your GOD who knew from before Frehiwot was born, that she would be on earth but for a flash. It was ME who heard your prayer for a daughter in 2010 and saw her growing in her mother's womb. It was ME who brought you two together. It was ME who led you to Ethiopia to find the truth of her story. It was ME who moved those mountains and got her home to you. It was ME who wove together the beautiful tapestry of your love for her and her love for you."

These words are in my head, playing in a loop, every day. I trusted God with her adoption. I trusted God with her attachment. I trusted God with her life. I assumed it was a long life. It wasn't. But look at what he did! He gave her the BEST life. He changed us and put us on a Kingdom course that we would have never known. He drew me closest to Him than I had ever been. We don't say to each other "understand God", we say "Trust God." And I did. And I continue. I may never fully understand the depths and scope of God's plan in this. But I completely trust Him.